Sunday, September 22, 2002

There are some things about my personality that I sincerely wish I could change. I have tried many times to change them and have documented some of the results in this very journal, and I am never happy with what I become. Yet, the real me, the me that I am at home, amongst my family, is often so strange that I disturb myself. Who runs around the house singing tv commercials, while their children follow like ducklings? or puts on blue facial mask and walks outside so the neighbors can have a giggle? Thats the crazy side, then I have my depressed side where I cuddle with my children and watch television, often not talking for a couple of hours. The only thing that I have truly accomplished in this journey of self-discovery is the ability to smile. My husband said I never smiled, now I smile whenever something pleases me, or at least try. As I told Nige, I am quite good at the "fake smile" and I try not to use that with my family and friends. The fake smile is something I developed to appease adults as a child. A lot of people use the fake smile. here are some fake smile people Nige and I thought of:

Miss America smile (nige)
Parade person smile
Retail Clerk smile
Lunch Lady smile
Television anchor smile
Mother-in-law smile


I can remember my second grade teacher, Mrs. Pope asking me if I was sad, and I would say no, and then she would ask why I didn't smile, and I remember thinking...why do people have to smile to show that they aren't sad? Now that I look at my children, I know the answer. Smiling is healthy and shows inner happiness. When my sons look at me and smile, I know they love me and are enjoying whatever they are doing. My perpetual scowl turned everyone off.


Another thing! I have to apologize for being such a doofus. I am really embarrassed. When I was talking with Nige I was showing him drawings I made in my journal as a preteen and it was fun at the time, but now I wish I hadn't. I guess I really am starved for conversation. If Nige, or any of you came over to my house I would probably take you all around showing you pictures, (probably all four of my photo albums) all my writing from when I was 10, my school awards. I will continue this later.