Wednesday, July 24, 2002

My posts have been so depressing, but I finally have a shred of good news. My supervisor at the law firm called and asked if we could work something out. He said that if I can come into work after 1 (when my husband gets home) and work part-time. That is until I can find a babysitter, or a full time job after 1, or they can find a full time worker that will work in the morning. It will be really iffy.But at least I will have an income.

Update:When I got to work everyone was happy to see me. It was wonderful! Jandel, the woman who lent me the money hugged me and got angry at me for even considering leaving. The ladies at the firm started suggesting places where I could get cheap child care, and programs that could help me. I liked it so much. *feels warm and mushy* My husband got a little upset because he expected me to be home for a while. I understand how he feels, but we need the money.

July 24, 2002

BAD NEWS: I have no babysitter.

My sister-in-law, Lisa, was arrested yesterday by my mother-in-law. Its a long story. She is 14, and not doing too good. She stole a lot of money and ran away from home, so she went to juvenile hall. Then my father-in-law got custody of her. She had been doing good. He took her to my mother-in-law's so that she could go to the dentist. She went out instead, and didn't go, and my mother-in-law called the police. *GRR* Lisa is now in juvenile hall again and she was my last hope for a babysitter. I can't afford daycare. Some of those people make more than I do. Some want 20 dollars a day. That would make me earn less than minimum wage, and my husband and I would be in a worse situation than we were before. So I am calling the employment agency today and telling them I have to quit at the law firm, and if they can find me something starting at 1 pm (13:00) because then my husband would be home from work, ad I could go knowing that he was taking care of the children. Its my only choice. I wont see him as much as I do now, and that wasn't a whole lot anyway.

I am going to miss the people at the firm so much. They had become my first friends. I had to change a bit, and become more socialable, but I had grown to enjoy talking to these people. Sharing jokes, and eating lunch. Now I have to go and find a new job, therebye erasing three months of hard work, and make new friends. Making friends is very hard for me.

One good thing comes my way, and ten bad follow it Story of my life.

Tuesday, July 23, 2002

GOOD NEWS: My husband got a new job that has more hours and pays more.
BAD NEWS: I still haven’t heard any updates on my mother’s cyst, possibly tumor.
She has announced she is staying in Oakland with my older sister.

The bad news is affecting the good news. What good is my husband making more money, if we have to spend it on childcare? Will this never end? I can now blame it on fate. Nothing good happens to me without a big price. Examples:

1. I was *such a good girl* my mother felt it justified to ignore me because she thought I wouldn't do anything bad anyway.
2. I loved to sing as a girl and was quite good at it, but I stuttered when I talked.
3. I meet my husband, but my mother and his father soon start an affair that wrecks my husbands family; in turn, they hate me.
4. My menstrual cycle stops for more than a year, so the doctors say that I can never have children.
5. I stop using protection for pregnancy and I end up pregnant.
6. I love being pregnant, and then I get preeclampsia. Bedridden for two months, and my labor had to be induced.
7. After my first born, I take birth control, and I get pregnant anyway. (only two months after.)
8. I don't get diagnosed for preeclampsia for my second son, and it developes into eclampsia. Eclampsia means that I had all the symptoms of preeclampsia, but now I had seizures. My second son, Eleazar had to be induced a month early, we stayed at the hospital for almost a month, and he had to have an apnea monitor for the first three months of his life.
9. I buy my house, move to a new city, and then my husband loses the job that enabled us to buy a new house in the first place, so I have to get a job.

That pretty much brings me up to date. There are lots of more examples, but those are the most memorable.

I dont want to make it seem like we only want my mother for childcare, but she was our baby sitter, and we had come to depend on her. I realize that the possibility of her being seriously sick is a big weight on her mind, but the way she is talking on the phone, its like she is just gone from my life completely. She has made plans, she wants to get a job in Oakland, and who cares about my sons and her daughter. Its the way she has always treated me. I care so much for her, and yet again, she flaunts how little she loves me. But now its not just me, its my sons. They are innocent of everything. They miss her, why hurt them?

Monday, July 22, 2002

I have been having a lot of problems with blogger, so my need to post has waned. I hope they fix their problems soon. I thought it was me at first, but its just them. *sighs* My archives are misbehaving too. I just *fixed* it today. So I hope its not short term.

As most people can see, I have added some new things to my site. A crappy "About Me" page, and a photos page. I am still working on them, but I wanted the links and the buttons up so I wouldn't have to worry about them later. It will look a lot better. My guestmap pic link is gone, so I need to fix that, but if anyone has any suggestions, or comments on how I can make things better, feel free to post them here, or email, or write it in my guestbook.

As I am on the topic, I would like to thank Simon for helping me fix my blog so that it was easier to view on linux. It is wonderful that someone would take the time and help me like that. *hug*

In other news, I have been feeling sick lately. My body feels weak, and I feel fatigued. I took lots of naps over the weekend, so I feel a little better. My insomnia hasn't been that bad lately. But my dreams have been strange. I dreamt I had sex with a woman. What the hell does that mean? I don't like women that way. heh. Strange, strange.

Finances are still dismal. Bills are just piling up. *sighs*

For someone who didn't want to post, I sure wrote a lot.

Friday, July 19, 2002

I am walking in superspeed and my mind is going in slow motion. My mother called me from Oakland this morning, before I went to work, and said that they found a cyst in her stomach. They saw it on an ultrasound machine, and then through a camera they inserted in her stomach. They will have to preform a biopsy on it to determine if it is a tumor, and if it is malignant, or benign. I am not feeling much of anything but numbness. I can't get scared because it might just be a benign tumor/cyst thingie that can be removed and thats that. Or it can be cancer. She has been feeling very sick, so the probability that this is a malignant tumor is a possibility and this chance of it being cancer has made me go into a weird state. I can think, and laugh, and smile, and all the things I usually do, but just below the surface is the fear for my mother. I have thought about it more than a hundred times today.

For all the pain, and neglect, and aching my mother has put me through, I love her dearly. So much. When I talk to her, I get upset easily because she always seem to be against me, and she still puts me down. Yet, for all her faults I see a wonderful woman, who never let her children go hungry, who worked in the fields to make ends meet, who jumped into dumpsters to collect cans so that we could have clothes for school. I am proud of the person she is and was.

I can't imagine life without her. If she did have cancer, I know she wouldn't die right away, she might even make it through it..but I think of the pain that the cure causes. I have never been around people with cancer, but from what I have read and seen about it, the means in which they treat it are very painful. I don't want her to go through that. All I can do is pray, and hope that the God I am not sure exists helps her.

Thursday, July 18, 2002

I was reading the latest TIME magazine and there was an article about a little boy who had been beaten while in the child protective services care in Florida. It had a lot of political crap about how this was affecting Jeb Bush and his re-election hopes. But the important issue was reforming the social services in Florida so that children don't slip through the cracks as they had on previous occasions.

They were supposed to be monitoring him due to child abuse allegations, but they didn't. His case worker was scheduled to be checking on him, but on the days that she did go, he was never there, and on days she *supposedly went*, she lied and fibbed on the paperwork. Well, on a day she had supposedly went, and *saw* that he was happy and smiling, a man who was watching him beat him to death (just because the little boy infant had soiled himself) and then wrapped up his body and threw him in a ditch.

There was reported abuse before, but because this social worker never saw the boy, it was all unsubstantiated. If she had only done her job, that beautiful little boy would still be alive. It makes me sick how adults fail children this way.

I held my sons a little longer last night.

Wednesday, July 17, 2002

Hard day at work. Posting at this time very exhausting. Great emails and comments. Thank you! I need to catch up on my daily reads. There are meant to be done, well, daily. I hope you like my poetry. *points down* My latest. Sucks? no sucks?