Saturday, November 30, 2002

OWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW! OuCHIE oooh, eeek BLICK BLasted

Its 4:45 am and my brilliant ass thought she could pop into the shower and pop out, and then prepare breakfast for the hoard. (husband, husband's brother, his two kids, and our two kids) I started shaving my legs and thought if I press down a little harder I won't have to go back over again. All is fine, and I do my shin and I proceed to take off a whole strip of skin. I feel a slight sting and I look down and my leg is covered in blood. When I calmed down enough to check it out, I had a three inch, red oozy strip of no-skin.


It hurts. *frowns* Not an auspicious start to this day.

Friday, November 29, 2002

Dinners and such nonsense

Today is friday, the day after Thanksgiving. Tomorrow, I have to prepare a meal for my husband, his coworker, coworkers wife, my brother in law, his two sons, and me and my two sons. We don't have enough chairs, enough silverware (or faux-silverware even), or enough cups, plates, etc. I don't even have enough food. We have a small turkey, and three crabs, and some catfish. Oh, and I am making biscuits. I am stressed out.

Wednesday, November 27, 2002

Sex Issues

My husband and I have not been making love lately because he is just too tired. I completely understand, and I want him to get rest, but I feel that when he does have time to be with me, he squanders it doing stuff that could be done later or not at all. For example, on his last day off he went to drink with a friend for three hours, three hours that could have been spent with me. *sighs*


Who am I kidding? Sex is one of our strong points, and now he just doesn't desire me anymore. When we do make love, its like he's a robot. He doesn't do one thing that he knows I like. If I mention something, he gets annoyed. I am always the one flaunting, dressing up, dressing down, or begging, and I am getting tired of it. I never thought we could turn into one of those couples who do it only once a week, or twice a month, but at the rate things are going, its now a possibility. I can't believe on my birthday we did it 5 times. Where is that man?

Tuesday, November 26, 2002

Financial Planning

Its funny how when one is starving, all one's thoughts are consumed by food. Its amazing how when one finally obtains food, it looses its appeal. Every day that I didn't have something to eat, I would think of all the things I would make if I just had a piece of chicken, or if I just had a box of noodles. We were living on rice and water. Then my husband got paid and I was able to buy food and pay off some bills. So much relief, now I am just not hungry. I guess my stomach has shrunk a bit.


This time I set aside 60 dollars. That 60 dollars will be used if we run out of milk, diapers, food, or something important. Next check, I want it to be 120 dollars, and so on, so that we can grow a savings account and never have to go hungry again. Its not fair to my children. I made deals with my credit card companies and made payments. I should have my debt removed in 5 years. Now I am looking to the future. My two sons are going to want to go to college, and they will need cars, and then a retirement fund for my husband and I. I am looking into investment information. Its kind of fun. *smiles*


This is what I have figured out so far. I don't want to go into the stock market as I am not aware of the current trends, and its foolish to put everything in something so volitile. I will start with a simple savings account. As soon as I have $1000. I will open a CD account. Certificate of Deposit. I will place it in there for 5 years. Currently, the apy (annual percent yield) is 5.03% at the bank I am using. ( I will search around for better ones, later.) I will keep money in the regular savings account for emergencies, and holidays, etc. After 5 years of continually investing in the CD, I will close it and open a money market account, hopefully with $10,000. I have only studied my options for about two weeks, but I feel that once I start investing, I should go for mutual funds. A mutual fund is an account with many stock in the portfolio. At any one time, the individual stock may be going up or down, but since there is so much variety in the portfolio, the idea is that the majority of the stock will be going up, therebye yielding more money.


All the money makes the IRS (Internal Revenue Service: the guys and gals that make sure us American working folks pay our taxes and all that good stuff) hounds circle, so I plan to open IRA (Individual Retirement Accounts) and EIRA (Educational IRA) for my husband, me, and my children. It lets me have mutual funds and savings in the IRA and EIRA's, all tax free. They stay tax free until its time to take out the money.


So, I have an idea in my head of what I am going to do. All I have to do is save that first $1000.

Saturday, November 23, 2002

I could have danced all night.

One of my husband's coworkers invited both my husband and I to a wedding reception. We were hesitant in accepting, and finally, my husband tells me we are going. I got dressed and he put on some nice clothes, and we left the kids with grandpa. When we got there everything was full swing. The bride and groom were playing games, while the audience cheered them on. During one dance, the bride and groom would have different people come up to them for a dance. These people had to pin money on the newlyweds. I thought that was cute.


The couple that had invited us weren't dancing, but they made lots of small talk. It was nice. Then after the other couple teased my husband and I, we decided to take a stab at it. I have NEVER been to a dance like this before. The beats were sultry and latino, and I didn't know any moves. I basically stumbled my way through. My husband was the same way. We were awful. But it was SOOOOOOOOOOOO much fun X1000. We were laughing the whole time and bumping into people and stepping on each others toes. We only danced three dance, but it was so good and nice. Afterwards, we hit a small taco shop and the food was great.


It was a nice evening. *sighs dreamily*

Thursday, November 21, 2002

Sitting at my desk, I sift my thoughts through a sieve. My mind is sometimes paralyzed by the whiteness of a computer screen and the space to be filled. I feel and see life, emotion, and history happening everyday and I am scared that my talent falls short of expressing it. I read what others write, and I read books and I doubt myself. I doubt my ability. This is the last thing I have. My writing is the last facet of my personality that is still mine and not marked or intruded upon by outside forces.

I had found my best friend the moment I learned to read. I craved books more than I craved food. More than I craved for sunlight, or for running amongst other children. While some parents were trying to get their children to stop watching television, my mother was forcing me to watch television so I would stop reading. She even went as far as to hide books from me as punishment. Fictional characters were my friends, my beau's, my arch enemies, my travel agents, and my lovers. And I wanted to give to the world, everything that books gave to me. I wanted to be able to set to paper a masterpiece that would make someone cry, and make them have a change of perspective. Now, I think that I am just dreaming.


How to organize the jumble of words that vibrate in my head?


There is so much beauty in the written word, and such a large expanse and room for growth. Words can paint pictures and create moods and destroy souls. It has been my greatest pleasure to create stories and poetry. It has also been my greatest defeat. I fear not finding the right word or the right sentence to express what I feel. I have always wanted this, and yet, it seems like I have done everything to make it not happen. Every story I have started gets set aside and eventually discarded, and my poetry needs revision, and I let them fade away on paper, untouched. I see other people writing and I think, 'how do they do it? How can they sit and get it all out?'


What does this all lead to? I feel like my mind is rotting and that I am vegetating. I don't desire to write like I once did.


Requesting one muse. Even if its the runtiest muse in all musedom.

Tuesday, November 19, 2002

Tension and Dissention

My husband didn't want me to tell his boss that he was home. He didn't want to go into work. His boss had called once before and I was worried about my husband's reaction. I decided to express my concern to my husband. I said that if his boss senses that my husband is purposely avoiding him, even though it is my husband's day off, that he might want to lay my husband off. My husband got angry with me and said why would they fire him or lay him off; its his day off. I couldn't make him understand that I agreed with him but that I was scared of him being fired. He deserves his day off after working almost 12 hours a day. In my husbands previous jobs he has been laid off for no reason. He would ask them why they let him go and they would say things like we our downsizing, or something else. I reminded him of this.


People don't make sense. Our reasoning is not the reasoning of others. The first time he was ever laid-off it was two weeks before Christmas. We had bills, we wanted to buy presents for us and our families, but no one cared about that, especially his boss. Ever since then it has been a succession of lay-offs. My husband is a hard worker, and I know he is not at fault for wanting his day off, but I feel like he shouldn't tempt fate. I don't want him to go into work either, I just wanted him to acknowledge my fear. I guess I should have just shut up. I feel like I can't say anything anymore. So my status as the bitch remains.

Monday, November 18, 2002

Still Alive

I have not been writing in my journal, as is quite evident. I have not been having a good time in my life. I have had problems with my husband, money is non-existant, and its hard enough dealing with my children when there is food in the house, horrible when there isn't. I wish I were exaggerating. It breaks my heart when I want to give my sons milk and juice, and all I can give them is water mixed with some Kool-Aid. But I used the last package yesterday, so water will have to do till my husband gets paid on Thursday. The diapers will not last till pay-day so I am counting on my children to use the potty as I have been training them to. *sighs* They aren't happy with the potty, yet they get jealous of the one who sits on it.


We did have a small miracle. One of my husband's workers bought a new washer and gave us his old one. Its super old, its an avocado color ( 70's anyone?), and makes some noise, but it washes clothes wonderfully. We usually have to go to a laundramat that robs everyone. Now, we can wash clothes at home and dry them outside, or at my father-in-law's house. We will have to pay slightly more for water each month, but I know it will be significantly less than the $20 dollars we currently use everytime we launder.


* * *


Everyone tells me I should be happy. I have two wonderful children, and a husband, and a house to live in, and that it should be enough because it is more than some people have. This is all true, but I am depressed. I cannot help it, though I have tried. I am UNHAPPY. I also want to say that my stating my unhappiness is not a request to fix me, or to make things better. I just want to be understood.

Tuesday, November 12, 2002

After a meeting with French diplomats, George W,. Bush was asked about the problems with the French economy, and replied, "The problem with the French is that they don't have any word for entrepreneur in their language." The New Yorker

*hangs head in shame*


If you don't know whats wrong with that paragraph, and why its so embarrassing, then send me an e-mail and I will berate you for free.

Monday, November 11, 2002

Update:

My brother-in-law J, the one who hit my m.i.l is now in jail. He violated the 30 day restraining order by staying in his mother's van at night with his two sons. That is what enrages me. He had his children sleep without jackets, sweaters, or blankets in a van parked not even 10 feet from his mother's home. They could have been inside safe and warm. It makes my blood boil. The only reason she found out he was there is because my father-in-law went to Santa Maria so that my sister-in-law, Lisa could spend some time with her mother. She ended up running off, so my f.i.l and m.i.l got in the van at midnight to go look for her. My f.i.l happened to hear some noices in the back of the van. He acted like he didn't notice. They drove around for a while, looking for Lisa. They found Lisa but motioned her not to sit in the back of the van. When they got back to my m.i.l's, they called the police, and they came and took J away. J's two sons are now with my m.i.l. I still don't know what is going to happen.