Saturday, December 21, 2002

Jesse still hasn't found a place to live and he's been staying in his brother's van. I told him he could stay in the house. I am not cruel. It has been very cold lately, and the nights are freezing. There has even been snow in the mountains. My husband has expressed his need to have sex with me, and I get irritated because he pushes himself on me, and gropes me when I pass by. He tries to force me to kiss him and touch him. But its my fault for inviting him back inside. We are still seperating, but he can't afford an apartment yet because all the last check has gone to the mortgage on the house. I am not exactly immune to him either. I have made no bones about my sexual appetite in my journal, and its frustrating as hell not to have sex. The longest I have been without sex is the mandatory 6 weeks after giving birth to my sons. NO, that's not true, even that I cut short to 4.5 weeks. So while I rebuff his advances, inside I am saying, TAKE ME NOW. *laughs and turn red* He knows how I am and he perversely takes pleasure in my misery.

BLAH.


My brother in law, the one with the two boys has been living with my father-in-law. He brought his boys with him, and they are going to be living there permanently. This has made me very happy. I am glad to see the boys have a steady environment and a warm place to sleep. My bro-in-law even signed them up for school. *smiles* and the extra PLUS, is that his boys make great playmates for my sons. They are much older, but they are patient with Micael and Eleazar.

Tuesday, December 17, 2002

My husband and I have been talking some more and the decision to seperate is still good. We both agree to it now. Things have calmed down, and I am almost looking forward to working out things on my own.

One specific conversation stayed in my mind. It happened yesterday. My husband told me that he could see himself with other women, living, and sharing a life with them, but that he couldn't see me living with another man. He didn't want me to. He looked into my face and told me how beautiful and desirable I was at that moment. (he mentioned that he had an erection..that sorta pissed me off) I told him that if he couldn't guarantee that he wouldn't cheat on me again, that we shouldn't be together. He had tears in his eyes, and he was frustrated, but he couldn't say it. Not even to lie to me.


I suggested that we go to counseling. I know I have been giving him a lot of chances, and I have been called stupid for staying with him, but I need to work on us a little more. I am only 20 and he is 24. I have to give us some hope. So, I will start looking into some marriage counseling programs.

Saturday, December 14, 2002

I am currently seperated. Truly and literally. More on this later. Still dazed, hurt, happy, sad, confuzed, and bewildered and a lot scared.

My husband and I got seperated. There has been so much drama in the last couple of days that I haven't felt like writing about it. The night before we seperated, I wrote this :


My mother's return to my life was marked with a bitter betrayal. I became a beast again, wanted to lash out at the world. The same beast thathad cut her own flesh and punched her fists into the walls, has had me screaming at those I love.


My husband has yet again lain with another woman. I don't have his admission on this latest indesretion, but it fits the pattern of his previous affairs. This time he had "her" call him at his father's house at a specific time. (1pm) He even told my sister in law that he was expecting a call. I won't go into the details. In the end, I confronted him and he denied it, but I just couldn't stomach the lies and the half truths. (end)


So after I wrote that, my husband wouldn't leave me alone. He came at me and wanted to force me to talk to him. He chased me whereever I went, and wouldn't stop. Finally, I locked myself in the bathroom and he sat on the other side and started talking to me. He apologized and begged me to talk to him. I finally started responded with my hurt and my rebuttals.


The thing is that admist all this chasing, and this screaming, I screamed at my mother. I yelled at her so badly that she literally flinched. I felt like punching people and things. Thank god I didn't feel this towards my sons. I couldn't ever harm them. I held them close and kissed them, and gave them to my mother.

Friday, December 13, 2002

Brown Cowboy Boots

A long time ago, when I was a small, small girl. I think about 4 or 5. (It was before we moved to Washington) My step-father William took my siblings and I too a western ware store. It was in the JC Penney shopping center, in Santa Maria. He took us through the rows of boots and found some that fit us.


He ended up buying me brown cowboy boots and my brother a black pair. He also bought us cowboy hats. I remember we would shine those boots next to my dad as he would shine his. I had a little tin of brown shine, and my brother had black. We would use little brushes and this special cloth. I don't remember what happened to them.

Wednesday, December 11, 2002

Cutie Pies

I cut my sons hair today. Both of them. I did pretty good I think. They had been running around with hair in their eyes and I knew it was time to cut it. I put them in their high chair and wrapped a towel around their neck. Then I just trimmed anything that was hanging around their eyes and ears and nape. *super mommy*


*smiles*