Sunday, January 26, 2003

Hello my lovelies.

Tomorrow is Monday and I am expecting so many things to happen next week. I am hoping for two call backs from two wonderful jobs that pay an exorbitant amount of money, but also have less hours than a standard job. Here is my planned schedule if I get those two jobs. (the two jobs are coexisting. They are for the same company, but one is for a branch here in Bakersfield and the other will be on the move at local high schools)


Monday through Friday I plan to have a part time job in the morning. Anywhere from 7am to 1pm. Then Monday-Thursday I would go to night classes from 5:40 pm-10pm.

Friday, January 17, 2003

Things are Changing

I wouldn't blame any of you if you never visited my site again. My life has been turned around and things have been hectic. As a result, I haven't been posting. The previous job I spoke of in my last post let me go after a week. It was a very good position, but they just didn't need anyone for a long time. They called me back today because their receptionist called in sick, so, that is where I am right now. I am used to being a receptionist. *sardonic grin*


I have good news though. Yesterday, I signed myself up for school. I am now a college student. On the 29th, I will be going in for my financial aid appointment. After all that is settled, I start school on February 20th. YAY!! Whenever I would think about college, I wanted to study english, or art, or even mathematics, but now I am want more practical applications of what I might learn. So I signed up for Business Administration/ Accounting. When I get my degree I can do anything from being a bookkeeper, to payroll, to being a manager. The possibilities are endless.


When I was with my husband, I wanted to go back to school, but he would give his objections, and I felt like I couldn't do it. Now, there are no excuses, and no barriers to what I can do.


Wings


There is a freedom that is slowly sinking in. I never thought that I would feel this way. I can get a new job, I can get a boyfriend, I can even go out dancing if I wanted to. It feels wonderful.


Sometimes, when I am alone at night, this freedom is cold. There is no one to hold me, and no one to tell me things will be okay. That's when I wish I could be safe again in the "marriage" I had with my husband. I was unhappy with him and there were millions of problems, but there was always a security that he would always be there.

Sunday, January 05, 2003

I know i haven't written in a long time. So much crap has been happening to me that I can't even get my mind around it. My husband and I are no longer seperating. We are divorcing. What's more, is that I have not asked for divorce, HE wants to divorce me. It just hurts so much. Not only my ego and my pride, but my heart as well. I had some hope that we could work on things. Some small hope that he would realize how much he needs me and would try anything to make things between us better. But that is not the case. He wants to leave me and has wanted to leave me but has never had the courage. How my heart cries. I can't express the pain I feel.

When I first met my husband, I was really young. 13 years old and I was going through a very hellish perioud in my life. I cut myself and punched my fist into walls and hit my thighs. It was bad. He saw all this and taught me to love myself. When I tried to commit suicide, he was there to stop me and tell me how much he loved me and didn't want me to die. He made me cry when I had stopped crying. I got over this phase. I stopped cutting myself long long ago. But now my husband is saying that he never left me because of all this. He said that he always feared that if he left me that I would try to hurt myself. I can see the logic in this but it still hurts to hear him say that because it implies three things.


1.- That he has wanted to leave me many times.
2.-That he doesn't know me because if he did, he would know that I would never kill myself and leave my children motherless.
3.-It means that maybe he doesn't really love me at all.


We have had so many conversations; about how much he will give me to take care of my kids, where he will live, transportation, the bills, the mortgage, and I thought we had come to some agreement.


Let me clarify.


Technically he is still living here even though he doesn't sleep here. He comes to get ready for work, and he eats the food I make, and he plays with his kids. He doesn't have his own place yet. All the plans we have made are for when he is out of my home completely. *Deep breath* But he called me today from work and said that he wants me to pay half the mortgage and half the bills-WHILE HE IS STILL HERE. I flipped out. I got so upset. I told him that while he is living here that he will pay everything like he always has. sidenote: (I got a job at an insurance brokerage. I started on thursday. So Monday will be my third day on the job. I wont be making a lot, but enough to support my kids) I told him that the only reason I even got a job was because I needed one once he left. That I would barely be making it then. He said that he wanted me to get used to paying. (again the twisted logic) I can't believe the nerve he has to tell me this. I have been supported by him for so long that I truly am scared to be on my own, but I will be damned if I have to pay for anything while he is still eating and partaking of my house. I don't know if that is fair. I am confused. Am I wrong to feel this way?