The Girl Sitting Inside Me - Entry for November 12, 2006

Everyone perceives me to be this light funny person. There are times when I am talking with a friend or laughing in a chat room and I can't recognize the person I am. I am quick to make laugh, giggle and blush, and in truth, I want to be that way. I love being happy and feeling alive. But inside of me there is a sad girl watching the events and constantly judging me. I wonder if she is who I am suppposed to be, and the laughing, smiling girl is the one I pretend to be.

Sometimes, she is so vivid that I can see her. And this sad girl is always watching. She sees everything that I do. Sometimes, when I imagine her, she is wearing the little party dresses my mother used to make me go to school in. Her knees are tightly pressed together, and her hair is pulled very tightly into a ponytail. She is the girl who never smiles. She is the one who had the horrible child hood, horrible siblings, and the bad stories to tell.

When I am alone with my thoughts, she is who I become. She has written most of my journals. I hope one day the two with melt together. Perhaps it happens with age.