Time Travel - A Poem

for my sons

If I were given the chance to live again
To feel the pure love of a mother and father
To revel with the friends I never had
To run where my heart wished to
And meet a true love

If I were given an elixir
To make the past disappear
To remove the pains of my youth
To erase the sorrows that destroyed my faith
And look at life with a smooth brow

If I were granted the power
To change one moment of my story
To alter the course of my existence
To explore new universes
And all that it would entail

I would refuse the gift
I would refuse it every time
I would slam the door on the salesman
I would stub the toe of the scientist
I would curse the witch
And free the genie

Because in choosing a new past
I would lose my future
I would lose you
I would lose the happiest days of my life
And the reason I felt it was worth living

Your love shines through me like the piercing rays of the morning
Your smile envelops me like a coat on a cold day
Every second of your existence fills my consciousness with awareness
Every moment in your presence makes my heart burst with love
And your every word is engraved more indelibly than sacred text

How could I love you so much?
How could I not?
And how could I ever wish away
Anything
Everything
that led to your creation?

First Day of School - Goodbye Summer

Even though the Southern California sun is scorching the land and wildfires are raging throughout parts of Los Angeles and Riverside counties, the summer is officially ending for me and my sons. We have been lazing around, watching television, playing, spending time with each other, going to the beach, the park, and just enjoying ourselves. Sure, I have had to go to work almost every day, but having my sons at home (and not having to whisk them about for child care and other activities) has been great.

Today marked their first day as 4th and 3rd graders. They were a bit nervous, but they appeared to be looking forward to their first day. I was rushing about this morning trying to find the school morning groove, but couldn’t seem to find it. The first day of school just seemed to sneak up on us.

A reflection

My sons just turned 8 and 9 years old, and I feel as though I was changing their diapers a few months ago. I marvel that I am raising two boys with their own personalities, whims, desires, and needs. I feel inadequate to the task and self-centered at times. I have been taking them out more often to birthday parties and family functions so they can socialize more outside of school.

At the same time, I have been spoiling them and buying them things I never had. They both have hand-held game systems, with more than one game. I take them out to eat far more than I ever did as a child. It is no longer a special occasion to them, so I feel I robbed them the feeling of surprise and joy it used to give me as a child. I tell them that they do not realize how lucky they are, but it is solely my fault that they view their possessions as commonplace. I have decided to start taking away their treasured toys for a week every month just so that they can appreciate them more.

They impress me every day with their ideas and they sheer joy in life. I watch their faces as they tell me of their day. One part of me responding with required oohs and awws of conversation, the other cataloging the tones in their skin, a leftover milk mustache from their noon-day meals, and perhaps a new grass stain on their pants. I wish I knew those little stories, but I never will. It is the way of life, just as my mother does not know even 5% of what I do with my days.

It Was Quite A Beautiful Christmas - December 25, 2006

The day started off cold. I guess I forgot to turn on the heater during the night. I had promised my sons that as soon as they woke up they could open their presents, but they had to wake me up first. There was a loud, "boom, boom, boom," at my door. My older son Micael was calling to me. "Momma, wake up!" I don't think he has ever knocked quite so loudly. So, I rush out of bed because I was just as excited as they are at the prospect of Christmas presents.

As soon as I get my house dress on and open the door, the boys shoot down the hall to the living room. I sit on the couch and watch as they decide which gift to open. I was nervous that they would not like their gifts.

Several gifts later, I watch them gravitate to the gifts they like most. Funny enough, they play with all of them. They have the puppets on their fingers as they play with the cars their Dad bought them, and they wanted me to set up the puppet theater so they could see it. They loved their movies. Micael had wanted the animated "Star Wars: Clone Wars" and Eleazar had wanted the "Shark Boy and Lava Girl."

We watched the Star Wars cartoon first. All the while, they are looking around at their presents. (They even put on the new jeans their Dad bought them.)

As I write this post, it has been 4 hours since they opened their gifts, and they are still happily playing. I feel content and happy that they got a Christmas they will remember and be happy about.

*smile*