Drops In the Bucket . . .

DIATRIBE ON PAIN

noreply@blogger.com (Vanessa On The Web) — Thu, 25 Feb 2010 00:36:00 +0000

Mornings are blissful because I have no pain. My legs feel a little stiff to start out, but that fades away with the busy happenings of the morning. There are showers to be taken, lunch to be packed, children to get to school, and traffic to be battled before arriving at the office.

I can work comfortably for about two hours, then the pain starts as a dull ache in my right hip. The ache lingers. I know it's coming. I take walks, and that makes it feel better for as long as I'm walking. I've walked around the business complex three times today. The pain extends its tendrils down the back of my right thigh and causes the toes on my right foot to tingle. Sitting becomes torturous, and I get up regularly before it's unbearable.

I can't take NSAIDS like Advil, Aleve, etc. because of the risk of intestinal bleeding so soon after my surgery, yet I have sciatica. The pain is intense and increases as the day goes on. The hydrocodone apap (acetaminophen) prescribed post-surgery doesn't do anything for it. I read the bottle intently as though somehow I'm taking it wrong. How could something that is considered a controlled substance not be effective. But what do I know of medications. I'm taking it every six hours, as recommended. I don't want to take any more. I don't want to become addicted. I don't want to use it as a crutch, so I carefully take only what I'm told to.

I hate this. My only relief is laying down. I spoke with my doctor, and he prescribed me a medication that's supposed to work on the sciatic nerve, but on day two, and I don't feel the benefit. He also requested physical therapy from my insurance company, but as of right now, I'm still waiting for approval.

Pat Robinson - Towing the Line

noreply@blogger.com (Vanessa On The Web) — Fri, 22 Jan 2010 17:09:00 +0000

This is my response to a comment my friend made regarding Pat Robinson's most recent debacle regarding why he thought that Haiti was stricken by earthquakes.

Pat Robinson said:

"And you know, Kristi, something happened a long time ago in Haiti, and people might not want to talk about it. They were under the heel of the French, uh, you know Napoleon the 3rd and whatever, and they got together and swore a pact to the Devil.

"They said, 'We will serve you if you'll get us free from the French.'

"True story. And so the Devil said, 'Okay, it's a deal.’

"And, uh, they kicked the French out, you know, with Haitians revolted and got themselves free. But ever since they have been cursed by, by one thing after another, desperately poor. That island of Hispaniola is one island. It’s cut down the middle. On the one side is Haiti on the other side is the Dominican Republican. Dominican Republic is, is prosperous, healthy, full of resorts, etcetera. Haiti is in desperate poverty. Same island. They need to have and we need to pray for them a great turning to God and out of this tragedy I’m optimistic something good may come. But right now we’re helping the suffering people and the suffering is unimaginable."

Here is a link commentary about the broadcast in question. Here is a link to the video of his broadcast.

She said, "I do believe he (and those like him) are a plague on the Reputation of Christianity."

I responded with, "Reputation of Christianity? He's towing the line, and that's what is so sad. He is a plague on humanity PERIOD," and further went on to say the following:

A group of U.S. Christian missionaries went to Uganda saying they were experts on homosexuality and that homosexuals were trying to destroy the "normal" family, so they proposed laws that homosexuals should be executed. Article here.

In California, the biggest backers of Proposition 8 was a coalition of Mormon and Catholic churches. In fact, "The e-mails and other memos detail the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints' involvement in Proposition 8 -- for instance, that there was at least one LDS volunteer working in every California ZIP code." This prompted an upsurge in anti-gay violence. An article regarding their involvement is here.

During the Bush administration, and because of the Republican party's view on family planning, funding for birth control was reduced not just in this country but for Africa. Here is an article about the cuts. And here is another article.

"Bush's mammoth global anti-AIDS initiative, the President's Emergency Plan for AIDS Relief, poured billions of dollars into Africa but prohibited groups from spending any of it on family planning services or counseling programs, whose budgets flat-lined."

And most recently, there has been a backlash against a gun sight manufacturer who was putting Bible verses on their gun sights. They were under exclusive contract with the US military and used in Afghanistan and Iraq. Now the militants in those countries have one more reason to say that the United States is trying to fight a holy war - Christianity vs. Islam.

Pat Robinson is just part of a huge group of people who make this country and the Christian faith look bad. I am agnostic, but I was once a devout Christian. A Sunday school teacher for many years. I would never want to go back.

BBC News - Google postpones China mobiles after censorship row

noreply@blogger.com (Vanessa On The Web) — Thu, 21 Jan 2010 00:38:00 +0000

Read the article here: BBC News.

Google is quickly extending its purportedly beneficent tentacles into every facet of our lives - at least our electronic and telephonic lives. I personally use Google Docs, Chrome, Gmail, Calendar, Earth, Translate, and I would love their new Nexus phone. Despite my slight resentment on this daily encroachment by one company, I love their services so much, I shall continue to use them. There are many benefits to using their service. They are free and they do promote open development.

So when I heard that Google is standing up to China because of hacks to the accounts of reporters and human rights activists through their Gmail service, I couldn't help but feel relieved that they are taking such a tough stance. Their rejection of China's censorship is an affirmation of my loyalty.

Granted their altruism might be motivated by desire for a greater market share, but I would rather think it was not. I would rather think that they came to their senses and realized that what they were doing was wrong and they wanted to remediate the situation.

Many people scoff that they only have 30% of the browser market share in China, and thus their actions won't hurt China. Those people don't understand that for a foreign company to have 30% of the market share in China is actually a great feat. They have made inroads in a country where many outside business fail. It will hurt their bottom line to pull out of China -- another reason why I hope their current battle cry is for the people of China, and not to line their pockets.

My friend Michael of Sweden pointed out that:

"Google is definitely an interesting company with an almost unprecedented ingenuity and growth in modern computer software tech. Only Microsoft itself has taken such command of the markets.

As people pat the company's back for taking a stance against the dictatorship, they could use a reminder that Google had no problem with censoring and helping to block internet traffic, information and browser searches until its own product, Gmail, happened to become a target of espionage.

Those 30% of the browser market were only possible because Google gladly crawled for the despots and sold its software there - on Chinese censored terms. But I guess since all foreign companies in any industry have to do the same to gain any ground on that potentially massive market, that makes it alright.

I'm not boycotting Google (great products!), Yahoo or any number of companies for earning a buck while brown-nosing tyranny, but I won't applaud them for taking such minor action after years of condoning and appeasing censorship."

Michael brings up excellent points, but again, I hope Google's stand against China doesn't flag, but bears some fruit for human rights in China.

Muslim Female Dress in France

noreply@blogger.com (Vanessa On The Web) — Fri, 15 Jan 2010 18:21:00 +0000

ASSOCIATED PRESS ARTICLE: France moves closer to banning full Muslim veil

The non-denominational christian church I was a member of as a child and young adult required women to wear veils when in temple, to wear no jewelry nor makeup (ever), to wear dresses and/or skirts that extended to the ankles, to not cut one's hair, and to be "modest." It is not common in the United States to see women like that. While I am no longer christian, nor do I feel I should follow those mores any longer, at the time, I felt it was my duty to my god and an expression of my faith to follow the dress prescribed to by my church.

While Islam does not require the niqabs nor burqas, and I personally feel that modesty is what one makes of it, if these women choose to follow a custom that they feel makes it easier for them to be faithful to their beliefs, then a government has no right to infringe on that choice. When I was of my faith, I would not wear pants, and my country would not make me do so. As long as the women and men follow the rules of France, they too should be allowed to dress as they please - especially as it is for a faith in their god and not because they are part of some nefarious gang or for a ridiculous fad.

More importantly, any woman, Muslim or otherwise, should not be denied citizenship because they have not assimilated to the "culture of France." France has a reputation for being a beacon of peace and freedom. To suddenly require that a segment of their population "assimilate" to look like every other French citizen goes against everything that the country stands for. France has a vivid tapestry of citizens, of every color, of every religion, and from most corners of the globe. What exactly are immigrants supposed to assimilate to?

I want to reiterate that I do not believe women should have to wear these types of coverings nor the type of clothing I wore when I was christian to prove that they are good women and faithful to their god. A woman can be immoral and immodest even if covered from head to toe. A woman can be unfaithful, even if wearing no makeup. A woman can be vulgar and think awful things, even if she never cuts her hair and wears skirts down to her ankles. Faithfulness to a deity is dependent on one's inner workings...not a facade shored by a type of clothing.

While taking religious studies, I took courses about Islam, Christianity, and Judaism. I wrote essays about the oppression of women through dress. I will be posting these essays soon, but no where in these essays do I take the position that these methods of dress should be abolished. My disagreement with oppressive dress -- from christian Mennonites and Catholic women religious (nuns) to the women of Islam -- does not mean I have the right to dictate their removal.

Tutoring My Cousin

noreply@blogger.com (Vanessa On The Web) — Fri, 15 Jan 2010 04:35:00 +0000

I didn't realize how much I had missed tutoring. Tutoring my cousin Geneva in geometry. She had a couple of light bulb moments. Such a rush.

Here is a link to the article I first wrote about tutoring my cousin: Helping + Knowledge = Satisfaction - Entry for November 06, 2007

As They Giggled, I observed

noreply@blogger.com (Vanessa On The Web) — Thu, 14 Jan 2010 05:04:00 +0000

DECLARATION: It's hard to be Mom when they are sick, when they are angry, when they are finicky, when they are fighting, oh but the joy I feel to be Mom when they are sweet, clean from the shower, giggling on the bed, and telling me I'm the best Mom in the world. My heart is so full right now. It makes every sacrifice worth it. (yes, mushy, I know...but damn it's great)

Non-Human Persons Indeed

noreply@blogger.com (Vanessa On The Web) — Wed, 06 Jan 2010 21:49:00 +0000

Scientists say dolphins should be treated as 'non-human persons'

Dolphins have been declared the world’s second most intelligent creatures after humans, with scientists suggesting they are so bright that they should be treated as “non-human persons”.

There are so many things I want to say about this article that I will probably write another blog post or at least a longer one, but I mentally staggered under the realization that if scientists were to find a species similar to a dolphin on another planet, they would be attempting to communicate and would be wetting themselves with the discovery of such an intelligent animal. But on our planet, where we have MILLIONS of living things, each with complex social systems, unique biology and interactions, we think we are so great and so above all other living animals that we are JUST now realizing that intelligent animals deserve to be treated with respect. How about respecting ALL animals? How about discovering just how intelligent they are instead of coming from the prospective of trying to justify our treatment of them?

How about respecting humanity for that matter? How about accepting our racial heritage but acknowledging our intrinsic affinity for each other as humans? How about respecting sexual preferences?

We get excited that there might be bacteria living in the rings around Saturn, while we drive complex organisms like whales, bird species, tigers, elephants, and dozens more to extinction. It makes no sense.

The Next Chapter in 2010

noreply@blogger.com (Vanessa On The Web) — Tue, 05 Jan 2010 00:48:00 +0000

There are many chapters in a lifetime - clear delineations from when life was one way and then irrevocably changed to something else - the day I met my ex husband, my pregnancies and the births of my sons, my divorce. Those are the places where one would find a SKIP TO SCENE button if you were to see a DVD of my life. Learning about my poor heath and the start of my pill regime is one such demarcation. Every morning I wake up and take pills that are supposed to keep me running normally. There is a pill for my blood pressure (recently increased 10mg), my hypothyroidism, and to regulate my menstrual cycle. There used to be more pills. I used to take pills to lower my blood sugar and to stimulate insulin sensitivity, and one upon a time, a subcutaneous shot of synthetic gila monster saliva (Byetta) to also lower blood sugar that had the wonderful side effect of weight loss. I decided the Byetta was not for me. For one, it was not covered by my insurance and was very expensive, and two, I already disliked testing my blood sugar with finger pricks every day... a shot was not something I wanted to do on top of that. Through changes in my diet, I have since resolved my Type II diabetes and thus have cut some of the pills out of my life.

Before the start of taking medications, I never went to the doctor. I went to the obstetrician during my pregnancies, but never went for my general health. If you know the stories of my pregnancies, you would know that I didn't really trust doctors after I almost lost my life and the life of my younger son due to a doctor's ineptitude. It was only in 2004, after feeling lethargic and out of sorts for a long time that I decided to go to the doctor. I was diagnosed with hypertension, hypothyroidism, and Type II diabetes. It was a blow and it made me regret not taking better care of myself. Instead of a yearly physical like most people, I was stuck going to the doctor every three months for blood tests.

Now, in 2010, I'm coming up on the next chapter in my life. This chapter will be about my weight loss surgery, and the changes that the surgery will bring. Here's a timeline of how this process started:

November 25, 2009: Spoke with Dr. Leo regarding the lap band and how it could help me lose weight. He submitted an authorization to my insurance company.

December 7, 2009: Received authorization from ARTA for New Patient Class.

December 18, 2009: I attended the New Patient Class for the Lab Band, and set up all the appointments for my insurance requisites for receiving the insurance. I knew my boys were going to be out of town the following week, so I decided to set up as many of the appointments the following week as possible. I was able to make them all!

December 21, 2009: Surgical Weight Loss Support Group Meeting: I learned a lot of information from previous patients of both the gastric bypass surgery and the lap band surgery.

December 22, 2009: Nutritional Class: A wealth of information gained regarding the foods I could eat. Tips for eating and permanent changes that should be made to ensure success.

December 22, 2009: Doctor Talk: Dr. Chin spoke to lap band patients as a group regarding the complications and other medical aspects of the surgery

December 23, 2009: I had a psychological evaluation with Dr. Boliver. There is a lot to say about the visit, but that shall be for another blog.

For now, waking up means taking my pills and even when I lose weight, I will always take the thyroid pill, but hopefully my weight loss will make my health better.

Illusions

noreply@blogger.com (Vanessa On The Web) — Tue, 15 Dec 2009 23:27:00 +0000

DECLARATION: We all live under the illusion that if we just work hard enough and want it bad enough, that life will become easier. That's a bunch of bull shit and the sooner we realize it, the sooner we will not feel so horribly when things go wrong. They always go wrong.

Don't Ask/ Don't Tell

noreply@blogger.com (Vanessa On The Web) — Tue, 10 Nov 2009 18:04:00 +0000

The military's Don't Ask/Don't Tell policy is discrimination sanctioned by a law -- a law that doesn't make sense.

"Since don't ask, don't tell was introduced, the military has discharged more than 13,000 lesbians, gays and bisexuals, according to the Service members Legal Defense Network. A 2005 government report found that about 800 of them had skills deemed 'critical,' such as engineering and linguistics, and that it cost the military about $200 million to recruit and train their replacements."

According to Wikipedia, "Don't ask, Don't Tell" is the policy regarding gays and lesbians serving openly in the U.S. military. The policy prohibits anyone who "demonstrate(s) a propensity or intent to engage in homosexual acts" from serving in the armed forces of the United States, because "it would create an unacceptable risk to the high standards of morale, good order and discipline, and unit cohesion that are the essence of military capability."

The act prohibits any homosexual or bisexual person from disclosing his or her sexual orientation or from speaking about any homosexual relationships, including marriages or other familial attributes, while serving in the United States armed forces. The "don't ask" part of the policy indicates that superiors should not initiate investigation of a service member's orientation in the absence of disallowed behaviors, though mere suspicion of homosexual behavior can cause an investigation.

Darren Manzella served two years with all his unit knowing he was gay. Did he rape the other men? No. Did he make unwanted advances? No. He was just a homosexual man who served his country and dared to speak about it publicly.

President Obama has vowed to end the Don't Ask/Don't Tell policy during his administration. During his speech to the Human Rights Campaign annual dinner in October 2009, President Obama said,

"We should not be punishing patriotic Americans who have stepped forward to serve the country. We should be celebrating their willingness to step forward and show such courage ... especially when we are fighting two wars. . .

We cannot afford to cut from our ranks people with the critical skills we need to fight any more than we can afford -- for our military's integrity -- to force those willing to do so into careers encumbered and compromised by having to live a lie. So I'm working with the Pentagon, its leadership, and the members of the House and Senate on ending this policy. Legislation has been introduced in the House to make this happen. I will end Don't Ask, Don't Tell. That's my commitment to you."

Please find the full text of his speech here: Human Rights Campaign Dinner, October 10, 2009, Speech of President Barack Obama.

Please sign these petitions to show your support for the repeal of the Don't Ask/Don't Tell policy:

End Don't Ask, Don't Tell, Sponsored by: Gillibrand for Senate

Courage Campaign | Sign the petition to President Obama

Time Travel - A Poem

noreply@blogger.com (Vanessa On The Web) — Thu, 29 Oct 2009 22:31:00 +0000

for my sons

If I were given the chance to live again
To feel the pure love of a mother and father
To revel with the friends I never had
To run where my heart wished to
And meet a true love

If I were given an elixir
To make the past disappear
To remove the pains of my youth
To erase the sorrows that destroyed my faith
And look at life with a smooth brow

If I were granted the power
To change one moment of my story
To alter the course of my existence
To explore new universes
And all that it would entail

I would refuse the gift
I would refuse it every time
I would slam the door on the salesman
I would stub the toe of the scientist
I would curse the witch
And free the genie

Because in choosing a new past
I would lose my future
I would lose you
I would lose the happiest days of my life
And the reason I felt it was worth living

Your love shines through me like the piercing rays of the morning
Your smile envelops me like a coat on a cold day
Every second of your existence fills my consciousness with awareness
Every moment in your presence makes my heart burst with love
And your every word is engraved more indelibly than sacred text

How could I love you so much?
How could I not?
And how could I ever wish away
Anything
Everything
that led to your creation?

October 23, 2009

noreply@blogger.com (Vanessa On The Web) — Fri, 23 Oct 2009 21:59:00 +0000

Your children are not your children.
They are the sons and daughters of Life's longing for itself.
They come through you but not from you,
and though they are with you, yet they belong not to you.
You may give them your love, but not your thoughts.
For they have their own thoughts.
You may house their bodies but not their souls,
for their souls dwell in the house of tomorrow,
which you cannot visit, not even in your dreams.
You may strive to be like them, but seek not to make them like you.
For life goes not backward, nor tarries with yesterday.
--Kahlil Gibran

I love my sons at every moment, but there are moments when I am looking at them and I overflow with emotion. Love is such a wonderful thing.

I have my very own time machine

noreply@blogger.com (Vanessa On The Web) — Mon, 19 Oct 2009 18:31:00 +0000

I was walking through the grocery store the other day, and I was struck by the red apples that were on display. They were larger than the apples I have seen earlier this season. I picked up one of those luscious looking red apples, and inhaled deeply. I was instantly transported to a different time.

When I was four and five years old, I lived in a rural part of Washington State near the border of Canada on an apple orchard. While my parents were working in the orchard, us children stayed in the car or played amongst the trees that bordered their working area. I wasn't afraid of those cheery trees. There is something magical about that time as we ran through the neat rows. And every act was accompanied by the smell of apples permeating the air.

I have had other smells bring me back to Washington, and to a small ranch house in Tepusquet on the outskirts of Santa Maria, to the backyard of my home on Alvin Avenue, and into the arms of my love when I was first a doe-eyed innocent. Closing my eyes and taking in the smell at those rarified times is like being a child again and reliving something I never wanted to forget.

I found this quote in an article called "Smell and Memory" by Shigeyuki Ito that perfectly describes how I feel my memory and smell are intertwined.

When nothing else subsists from the past, after the people are dead, after the things are broken and scattered· the smell and taste of things remain poised a long time, like souls bearing resiliently, on tiny and almost impalpable drops of their essence, the immense edifice of memory" -Marcel Proust "The Remembrance of Things Past"

The article gives a few scientific reasons why smell triggers memory. It is worth a read.

On Hope

noreply@blogger.com (Vanessa On The Web) — Fri, 09 Oct 2009 18:01:00 +0000

We are not rainmen in the persuit of hope. We cannot dance around and wait for some of it to fall on us -- however parched we are for it. We must ride up into the clouds and seize it, force it down our gullets, and let it infuse our hungry cells. Hope is not for the helpless. Hope is for those brave enough to fight for it.

On thrift stores, books, and Phantoms

noreply@blogger.com (Vanessa On The Web) — Tue, 15 Sep 2009 22:43:00 +0000

Thrift store

DEFINITION: A non-profit or for-profit retail establishment selling previously owned, second-hand items ranging from clothes, housewares, appliances, books, electronics, and miscellanea. Donations to thrift stores are usually tax-deductible. Here Wikipedia's international description of a thrift store, also known as a charity shop.

The thrift store was always an exciting place to go growing up. We didn’t have a lot of money, so every couple of months, we’d hit the local thrift store for clothing and other supplies. This is a picture of the thrift store I remember the most. It’s the RAD Thrift Store, located at 215 West Main Street, Santa Maria, California.

There is a smell to thrift stores (at least all the thrift stores that I have ever visited). It smells like body odor, mildew, disinfectant, perhaps ages of perfumes, cigarette smoke, dank attics, danker basements, and lastly, I suppose it smells like poverty. I can remember running through the aisles of this thrift store with my siblings and playing with the toys for sale. My mother was always looking at the clothes and linens. After an indeterminate amount of time, she would call out and all four of us would make our way to the cashier’s stand.

We always wore what my mother chose, and I can’t remember ever hating anything she made me wear. In fact, the only clothes I truly hated were brand new ruffle dresses with poofy sleeves. There was nothing inherently wrong with them, except I would have to wear them to school with little shiny shoes while the other girls had tennis shoes and sneakers, jeans, and a t-shirt. When I was a bit older, I remember buying old dresses to cut up and make into skirts from this very thrift store.

As an adult, I have gone to the thrift store for many reasons. As I have two boys roughly the same build and height and who are growing quickly, I find I need to constantly buy clothes that fit them. It is cost-prohibitive to buy them new clothes all the time, but I can go the thrift store and buy them five or six pairs of jeans for under $20. I have also gone for cheap and sometimes very interesting artwork to decorate my home with. But most importantly, I go to thrift stores to buy inexpensive books.

Going to the local thrift store to pick out my latest batch of used books is always exciting. The pleasure I get from looking at the worn and not-so-worn spines is only topped by actually picking the books and getting to read them. During my last visit, I found a few gems: Tolkein’s The Hobbit and Rudolfo Anaya’s Bless Me, Ultima. I also picked a rather meaty, but altogether random romance novel, a suspense novel and Dean Koontz’s Phantoms.

I loved Phantoms. Not because it is extremely well-written or impressed me terribly. It is classically Koontz. What I loved about this book was the previous owner’s notes. On several of the book’s pages, the previous owner had written her impressions, predictions, sarcastic comments, and references to other books. At least I think it is a woman from the handwriting, but I cannot be sure. Where else could I have picked up such a book if not from the thrift store? I can’t decide whether I will follow this woman’s example and mark up my books with my thoughts. There is an ingrained distaste for defacing books. But I will think about it.

TheThriftShopper.com is an excellent resource on thrift store shopping.

First Day of School - Goodbye Summer

noreply@blogger.com (Vanessa On The Web) — Tue, 01 Sep 2009 21:01:00 +0000

Even though the Southern California sun is scorching the land and wildfires are raging throughout parts of Los Angeles and Riverside counties, the summer is officially ending for me and my sons. We have been lazing around, watching television, playing, spending time with each other, going to the beach, the park, and just enjoying ourselves. Sure, I have had to go to work almost every day, but having my sons at home (and not having to whisk them about for child care and other activities) has been great.

Today marked their first day as 4th and 3rd graders. They were a bit nervous, but they appeared to be looking forward to their first day. I was rushing about this morning trying to find the school morning groove, but couldn’t seem to find it. The first day of school just seemed to sneak up on us.

Pluto - Keep it a Planet

noreply@blogger.com (Vanessa On The Web) — Mon, 24 Aug 2009 16:42:00 +0000

As children, most of us grew up with the belief that there are nine planets in our solar system. I was taught a very cute mnemonic device (My Very Educated Mother Just Served Us Nine Pickles) to remember the names of the planets in the correct order (Mercury, Venus, Earth, Mars, Jupiter, Saturn, Uranus, Neptune, Pluto) . Millions of solar system models have been made -- giving easy A's to kids around the world. Every primary science textbook and hard-bound encyclopedia shows these 9 planets surrounding our resplendent sun.

But in 2006, the dillweeds at the International Astronomical Union (IAU) voted that Pluto was not a planet. Only 4% of its members voted. In what other galaxy can only 4% of eligible voting members pass such a momentous decision. The world would be in utter ruin if only 4% of any given governing body could vote and pass their agenda. Granted, we'd all probably have a public health care option in the United States if this were the case, but there's a lot of bad stuff that could happen. (Don't want to speculate more on that scary possibility - i.e., a heck of a lot of reactionary bombs bursting in air scenarios.) But I digress.

According to A. Pawlowski at CNN, the Debate over the classification of Pluto as a Planet rages on. Kudos! There has been an online petition created so that we can all voice our opinions on the subject (which of course should be like my opinion).

Karaoke Bar - A poem

noreply@blogger.com (Vanessa On The Web) — Thu, 20 Aug 2009 20:01:00 +0000

While souls sing of
Their dreams once forgotten
Eyes flash across the throngs
And alight on desire
Music cascades down
Mounds of flesh
And pools in the thighs
Parted in dance
Smiles are illuminated
By the red lights overhead
Flaws erased by the darkness
And the burning of spirits
The echo of billiards
Landing in pockets
Empty of tithing money
Reverberates in the lulls
Hymns to the gods of leisure
While discordant voices
Sing away the night
Not mother's lullaby
But comforting nonetheless

Did I Ever Say I Giggled Like A Loon?

noreply@blogger.com (Vanessa On The Web) — Tue, 18 Aug 2009 18:22:00 +0000

There was a character on the show, "That 70's Show," named Kitty Foreman [Debra Jo Rupp]. I will just assume you don't know who she is. She was the "matriarch" that watched over a group of teens that hung out with her son. Whenever she was happy, nervous, worried, extremely uncomfortable, or speechless, she would let out a high-pitched laugh. I can't help but relate her laughs to my bouts of laughter. I can't quite convey how it happens. I find the weirdest things funny. I find the placement of newspaper articles funny, I find color choices funny, I find bad jokes funny.

At my old job, I went out to lunch with five of my coworkers, and there were some really funny comments made. I laughed and giggled really loudly. While they all smiled and laughed briefly, I noticed that they did not find it as funny as I did. Instead of shutting up or fading off gracefully, I kept right on laughing till I turned red and was slightly gasping for breath. Granted, I am a weird enough character that they were pretty equanimous with my excessive laughing. Even so, I felt strange and out of place when it was done. I felt like a freak next to them.

Sometimes people will say, "Vanessa, you're funny" during a conversation or when I'm telling a story. They say it at times when I'm not trying to be funny and it's a bit unnerving because I'm not sure what they find amusing. During phone calls it's slightly different, a few friends ask why I just laughed or if I was laughing at them, and I try hard to explain that sometimes I just laugh and giggle to fill the silence. Sometimes they understand, but it has been the root of some hurt feelings.

Last night, while watching Rat Race with my sons, sister and her daughter, I laughed till I snorted and made the same high-pitched hyenaesque laugh that only happens when I find something EXTREMELY funny. I was with family, so it was okay. But my laughter actually made my sister laugh harder. *sighs*

It could be worse. When I was in high school I didn't laugh or smile at all. Perhaps do to my shyness, but mainly because I was depressed and withdrawn. I had no friends, and I did not have a chance to share my humorous and fun-loving side. But I enjoy myself at karaoke and have made a lot of very nice acquaintances at least. I'm pleased to call a lot of them my friends. I sometimes think they will find out one day that I am fraud. They will realize I'm really this shy awkward person and stop saying hi. I feel like they know I don't truly belong but they can't quite put their finger on why.

Then again, I think way too much on these things. They probably don't give a rat's ass what I do. They probably just think I am funny and "cute," and leave it at that.

At War Forever and Ever - A poem

noreply@blogger.com (Vanessa On The Web) — Fri, 14 Aug 2009 21:20:00 +0000

We wrestle on the bed
For a few moments
Tongues invading and retreating
Arms twisting
Embracing
Caressing

We attack and surrender
Willingly disarmed
Hips thrusting and accepting
Legs entwined
Pressing
Convulsing

I would give up my territory
If you only wanted it forever

Pregnancy and Preeclampsia - My Story

noreply@blogger.com (Vanessa On The Web) — Wed, 12 Aug 2009 17:41:00 +0000

I had preeclampsia and eclampsia during both my pregnancies. A friend of mine shared a story about her pregnancy with preeclampsia. I wanted to share mine. This is Preeclampsia.org's description of what preeclampsia is.

"Preeclampsia is a disorder that occurs only during pregnancy and the postpartum period and affects both the mother and the unborn baby. Affecting at least 5-8% of all pregnancies, it is a rapidly progressive condition characterized by high blood pressure and the presence of protein in the urine. Swelling, sudden weight gain, headaches and changes in vision are important symptoms; however, some women with rapidly advancing disease report few symptoms.

Typically, preeclampsia occurs after 20 weeks gestation (in the late 2nd or 3rd trimesters or middle to late pregnancy), though it can occur earlier. Proper prenatal care is essential to diagnose and manage preeclampsia. Preeclampsia, Pregnancy Induced Hypertension (PIH) and toxemia are closely related conditions. HELLP Syndrome and eclampsia are other manifestations of the same syndrome. It is important to note that research shows that more women die from preeclampsia than eclampsia and one is not necessarily more serious than the other.

Preeclampsia and other hypertensive disorders of pregnancy are a leading global cause of maternal and infant illness and death. By conservative estimates, these disorders are responsible for 76,000 deaths each year."

I got pregnant in 1999. I had a normal pregnancy and was gaining a "normal" amount of weight. All my blood tests were turning out normal. I keep saying normal because everything that followed wasn't normal.

In the last two months of pregnancy, my feet started swelling. I was told that swollen feet are normal during pregnancy. But the swelling would not go down by the next morning. It is hard to describe the feeling of looking down at your feet and having no ankles. This swelling is called edema. I was swollen around my stomach and my arms. I was told that is normal. (bah!) I was gaining 6-10 lbs a week when previously I had been gaining 0-.5lbs a week -- all water weight. When the nurse checked my blood pressure on one of my weekly visits, she noticed my blood pressure was getting high. I was tested for protein in my urine, which is a symptom of preeclampsia. When that came back positive, I was told I had preeclampsia. I was 37 weeks along. I was instructed to have my labor induced. After going home to get some clothes, I went to the hospital.

I was given pitocin to induce my labor. I was in so much pain. They gave me an IUD, which is like a "lite" version of an epidural. Random memories of that day include a woman in another room was screaming her head off. I remember apologizing to everyone. As if it were my fault that I was delivering my baby early. I didn't want to cause a fuss or scream, and I kept trying to cover my privates. My ex was tired and was given a cot to sleep next to my bed. Strange to be thinking these things.

I had a beautiful boy. He was small. They had used a pump to help me delivery on his head, so it was all cone-looking. I remember thinking how fragile he was. I was so tired and sore. I never really processed the fact that I had preeclampsia. I read later on that it could have been deadly to both me and Micael.

My second pregnancy came on very quickly. Again, everything was "normal." Then, at about 34 weeks, my feet started swelling feet again. My blood pressure was supposedly normal and I was told I was fine.

My ob/gyn's exact words were: "Preeclampsia doesn't usually occur in second pregnancies."

I told my ob/gyn that I wasn't feel good and that I was having a lot of headaches. She said I was fine. At 36 weeks, I woke up and my vision was blurred and I only had my peripheral vision. I called the doctor and she told me to come in. She said I probably had a cold and gave me a prescription for Robitussin. She said me to get blood work too, but again I was told I was "fine, and preeclampsia doesn't usually occur in second pregnancies."

The pharmacy was two blocks away. While sitting there waiting for my prescription, my I lost my tunnel vision. My father-in-law and sister-in-law, who accompanied me to the ob/gyn, said that I started having seizures. I don't remember most things after that. I was sent to a hospital in another city because it had a neo-natal intensive care unit.

I remember waking up in the ambulance. Shifting in and out of consciousness. I felt them use the scissors on my maternity dress to take off my clothes. I remember thinking, "I really liked that dress." It was white with bright blue flowers on it and thin straps. I remembering thinking: What was happening to me? Where was I going? I should have been in my local hospital. I was being driven a full 45 minutes away. I opened my eyes to see an oxygen mask being applied, and the fear at seeing such a strange thing and having these people, whether they were men or women I am not sure, touching me and putting stuff on me was a scary experience.

I slipped in and out of consciousness, but I gave birth naturally a few hours later. I am so thankful I survived and that my baby survived. We were in the hospital for two weeks. He was there a week longer than I was. He was put on an apnea monitor for three months because his breathing would stop.

My post-birth ob/gyn visit revealed that my ob/gyn would not have been able to deliver my baby in the hospital in my home town anyway because they took away her right to deliver babies there. I felt and still feel so betrayed that this information was never given to me. I feel so angry that my son could have died because "preeclampsia" was not supposed to happen again, at least according to her. She was patently false. If you have preeclampsia during your pregnancy, you will most likely get it again.

Please, check out your ob/gyn/midwives, etc. If you feel bad, don't let them say nothing is wrong. It's not normal to exhibit these symptoms. Even swelling feet. If the swelling does not go down while you sleep and they are elevated, that is NOT normal. If your vision is affected and your head hurts more than usual, it is not normal.

My sons are now 8 and 9 years old, and I am grateful we all survived these experiences.

The Hands

noreply@blogger.com (Vanessa On The Web) — Mon, 10 Aug 2009 15:59:00 +0000

"Here," she said, "in this here place, we flesh; flesh that weeps, laughs; flesh that dances on bare feet in grass. Love it. Love it hard. Yonder they do not love your flesh. They despise it. They don't love your eyes; they'd just as soon pick em out. No more do they love the skin on your back. Yonder they flay it. And O my people they do not love your hands. Those they only use, tie, bind, chop off and leave empty. Love your hands! Love them. Raise them up and kiss them. Touch others with them, pat them together, stroke them on your face 'cause they don't love that either. You got to love it, You! ... This is flesh I'm talking about here. Flesh that needs to be loved." -- Toni Morrison

"The fragrance always remains in the hand that gives the rose." -- Heda Bejar

"The hand is the cutting edge of the mind." -- Jacob Bronowski

"You can't shake hands with a clenched fist." -- Indira Gandhi

"Hold a true friend with both hands." -- Nigerian Proverb

"The ultimate test of a relationship is to disagree but hold hands." -- Alexander Penney

I am watching my hands move over the keys of my keyboard. They are following the almost instantaneous commands from my brain to press the appropriate key. They are forming these very words with the speed that I have acquired through constant typing, legal dictation, and of course, chatting with my beloved friends. My hands are not incredibly beautiful; I do not have a manicure; there are scars from when I used to cut myself; finger marks from when my sister used to pinch me till I bled; and I have a touch of eczema on the top of my hands, which is slowly disappearing, but despite these imperfections, I love my hands. I love the callous that is on the middle finger of my right hand. They are expressive, and it is not a true conversation with me if my hands are not waving around, accentuating a point with an air chop.

I have said in another journal that I believe the hands are some of the most attractive parts of the body for me. They convey so many things about a person-- whether they work a lot with their hands, their strength (conversely their weakness), their level of nervousness, their sensitivity, how hygenic they are, and myriad more things. When meeting someone for the first time, their handshake is such a vital part of the exchange and how we perceive them whether we are aware of it or not. Hank Hill, from the cartoon series King of the Hill, once lost all faith in his political candidate because when he shook his hand, it was limp and clammy.

What do we do with hands? With these hands I can draw and write; I apply pressure to a wound; I check my children's temperature; I cook meals; I check bath water; and I tie the errant shoe lace. My hands are very important to how I share my emotions with other people. What can be perceived with just one touch is incredible. Being a tactile person, I love the feel of different textures and fabrics. Whether I am caressing the skin of my lover or petting my guinea pigs, the information I receive from the tips of my fingers are invaluable to how I perceive the situation. They are a gift.

I could probably write a lot more, but I think this adequately describes my love of hands.

Star-Crossed - A Poem

noreply@blogger.com (Vanessa On The Web) — Sun, 09 Aug 2009 18:07:00 +0000

In concentric circles we moved
Never touching in our self-centered orbits
The inertial gaze of our eyes focused on opposing wants
Oblivious of the other's existence

Then the Fates erred in cruel neglect
Crossed our lines and thrust our destinies together
We were never meant to travel life as one
Our stars were far too volatile to share this gravity

Inexorably and inevitably we clashed
As the Titans against the Olympians
Our Golden Age was headed for the end
And we were helpless to stymie the fall

In supernova splendor our joining had been heralded
The universe reeled when our auras entwined
But just as awesome was our implosion
And the black hole that left our union in tatters

One of those Questionnaire Things

noreply@blogger.com (Vanessa On The Web) — Mon, 20 Jul 2009 18:10:00 +0000

What do you drink with dinner?
Usually a diet soda or some water.

What do you dip a chicken nugget in?
Ranch

What is your favorite type of food/cuisine?
My favorite type of food is Mexican food. (real Mexican food as opposed to Taco Bell, El Pollo Loco, The Green Burrito, & Chipotle [can't think of other chains])

What movies could you watch over and over and still love?
Old romantic movies

Were you in sports in high school?
No

Were you a boy/girl scout?
No

When was the last time you wrote a letter to someone on paper and mailed it?
Last week.

Ever gotten a speeding ticket?
Once, but it was for going 40 mph between a school and a park on a weekend. ugh

Ran out of gas?
Yes...on a very hot day, on a dirt road.

Favorite kind of sandwich?
Avocado lover with Turkey

Best thing to eat for breakfast?
Chilaquiles

What is your usual bedtime?
12pm-2am

Are you lazy?
I can be. I usually have too much to do to be lazy

Are you an introvert or an extrovert?
Middling. Sometimes introvert, sometimes extrovert -- but always friendly and giggly

What's your favorite mixed drink?
Margarita.

When you were a kid what did you dress up as for halloween?
We never really bought costumes. Cost issues. But I dressed up like a bum, hippie, and a clown.

Do you read the newspaper?
All online news sources. I'm a newsjunkie

How many languages can you speak?
Two. English and spanish. A smattering of french.

Do you have any magazine subscriptions?
No.

Is Fabio ugly?
Yes (far too muscley)

Which are better Legos or Lincoln Logs?
LEGOS

Red wine or white wine?
I have never liked the taste of wine.

Are you stubborn?
Sometimes, what's it to you?

Who is better...Leno or Letterman?
Leno.

Watch a soap opera?
I used to

Afraid of heights?
Very

Sing in the car?
Like a crazy woman

Dance in the shower?
Oh yeah.

Dance in the car?
As much as I possibly can.

Ever used a gun?
My step-dad let us practice with his gun.

Last time you got a portrait taken by a photographer?
Family portrait in 2009

Are musicals cheesy?
No. They are idealized life.

Is Christmas stressful?
Yes and sad.

Ever eat a pierogie?
No.

Favorite type of fruit pie?
Banana cream

Ever have a Dejavu feeling?
In the past

Ever have a Dejavu feeling?
Weird

Ever have a Dejavu feeling?
oh my goodness, get out of my brain

Take a vitamin daily?
When I was pregnant

Wear slippers?
No (Barefoot rocks unless, of course, there are rocks)

Wear a bath robe?
No.

What do you wear to bed?
Tank and undies

Wal-Mart, Target or K-Mart?
All of the above on occasion

Nike or Adidas?
Neither

Fritos or Cheetos?
Cheetos with chile and lemon

Ever heard of "gorp?"
No.

Ever take dance lessons?
Yes

Is there a profession that you picture your perfect future spouse to have?
No.

Ever won a spelling bee?
Yes, at the school level.

Hot tea or iced tea?
Raspberry and Pomogranate iced tea

Favorite kind of cookie?
Almond Cookie

Can you swim well?
Is drowning a talent?

Can you hold your breath w/o manually holding your nose?
Yes

Ever had braces or a mouth piece?
No

Are you artistic?
Yes

Are you patient?
Yes

DJ or band, at a wedding?
DJ

Ever won a contest?
Yes

Ever have plastic surgery?
No

Ever have a Dejavu feeling?
They are coming to get me

Which are better, black or green olives?
Black

Can you knit or crochet?
No

Best room for a fireplace?
Living room

Want to get married?
I have been married and it was not a good thing. Not sure if I want to go through the pain again.

Happy Birthday to Me!

noreply@blogger.com (Vanessa On The Web) — Mon, 13 Jul 2009 16:35:00 +0000

I'm 27 years old today! I went to karaoke last night, and when the clock struck midnight, Ronn the KJ called me up to the stage, and Mama Jean brought out a birthday cake just for me. It was such a pleasant surprise. I love it.